In this conversation, I sit down with Dr. Hayley Crane to talk about one of the most common—and challenging—topics for parents and educators of autistic children: power struggles. We explore how visual supports, predictable routines, and honoring a child’s deep interests can reduce anxiety, ease transitions, and build connection. From emotional fatigue after school to the overwhelm of daily demands, Dr. Hayley shares practical, compassionate strategies for supporting kids in ways that feel affirming and responsive. If you're looking for real-world tools to help navigate autism and behavior with more calm and confidence, this is for you.
Meet Dr. Hayley Crane
Tara: I'm so excited for everyone to meet you! We recently connected through Instagram, and after seeing your content, I knew this conversation needed to be shared.
Hayley: Same here—when I found your page, I was instantly drawn in. As a clinical psychologist, I find that speech pathologists like you bring so much value, and our work really complements each other.
Tara: Let’s start with your story. Tell us a little about yourself.
Hayley: I’m a clinical psychologist who works with neurodiverse children, teens, and young adults—including those who are autistic, have ADHD, anxiety, or learning differences. I was diagnosed with dyslexia in first grade and received support through an IEP and 504. Back then, it felt a bit shameful, but I had people who reminded me my brain was amazing—it just worked differently. That shaped my path and inspired me to do this work. And yes, I also have ADHD—so I’m definitely part of the neurodiverse community myself.
Tara: Wow, I didn’t know that about you. That’s such a powerful story and so clearly connected to the work you do now.
Let’s Talk About Power Struggles
Tara: So many of my listeners are parents or educators of young autistic kids. One of their biggest daily challenges is power struggles. Since autistic children tend to thrive on predictability, those struggles can be tough. How can caregivers tell which battles are worth addressing and which ones to let go?
Hayley: I used to think we had to follow through on everything, especially in my early years doing in-home ABA. But now, my approach is more flexible. Neurodivergent kids benefit from predictability, yes—but they also benefit from being heard and understood.
If my child wants to wear shoes on the wrong feet, I let it go. It’s not a battle worth fighting. Ask yourself: does this really matter in the long run? Is this about safety? Is it about our values? That lens can help you avoid unnecessary power struggles and focus on what matters most.
Tara: In my early childhood classroom, we used to talk about the ‘yucky factor’—if something feels wrong in your gut, don’t do it. Some strategies, like hand-over-hand, might work for certain kids, but for others, especially those sensitive to touch, it just feels wrong.
This ties back to power struggles. For example, I had students who constantly took their shoes off due to sensory differences. While some administrators might push for shoes to stay on for safety, I was fortunate to have supportive ones who understood. Forcing shoes on all day would’ve hurt the relationship and caused distress. So, we created a ‘shoe spot'—a simple taped rectangle where kids could leave their shoes. And in case of emergency? We’d get them out safely, shoes or not.
Sometimes we just need to step back, trust our instincts, and adapt—even when the “rules” say otherwise.
Choosing Connection Over Control
Tara: There were times I wish I’d been more flexible—avoiding a meltdown and preserving the relationship. In schools, there’s often fear that giving in means reinforcing bad behavior. But most young autistic kids aren’t being manipulative—they’re communicating. Letting the shoes go on the wrong feet isn’t giving in—it’s choosing connection over control.
Hayley: Totally. I was trained on the idea that if you “give in,” you’re reinforcing negative behavior. But here’s the truth: behavior is communication. We need to ask why it’s happening, not just follow through blindly. If the child’s brain is already overwhelmed, insisting they comply might escalate things. It’s okay to pause and ask, Do I really care about this?
Sometimes my husband and I ask each other, “Do we really care about this?” If not—let it go. That kind of flexibility can prevent meltdowns and protect the relationship.
Tara: Yes! Sometimes I’ve followed through on things just to feel in control. But with autistic kids—especially toddlers—they’re not being manipulative. They’re trying to communicate their needs. If we can meet them there, we can avoid power struggles and build trust.
Power Struggles Are Communication
Hayley: I use a “cup” analogy. Every demand we place fills their cup a little more. Eventually, it overflows. And the smallest request—like putting on socks—can be the tipping point. Our job isn’t to assert power—it’s to keep that cup from spilling.
So when we ask ourselves, Is this battle really worth it? We can protect the relationship, avoid meltdowns, and model emotional regulation—especially for our neurodiverse kids, who often have less control over their day.
Tara: Exactly. For example, I often work with young, non-speaking kids. Let’s say I bring out an activity and they immediately push it away. That’s communication. Instead of forcing it, I’ll model “no” on a core board and offer choices. It’s not about abandoning plans—it’s about being curious and responsive. It’s on us to shift, not the child. And that mindset shift makes all the difference.
Using Interests to Avoid Power Struggles
Hayley: That’s such a good point. As educators or parents, we can fall into the mindset of being in charge, but we need to pause and ask: Do I really want to engage in this power struggle?
I remember learning that in school—don’t give a demand unless you’re ready to follow through. Motivation matters. Especially for autistic and ADHD kids, deep interests are powerful tools. They’re not “rewards”—they’re bridges. When we connect learning to something they love, everything changes.
Tara: Yes—using deep interests is so powerful. Honestly, it’s a deep interest of mine to get creative and figure out what makes each child tick. I once had twins who didn’t engage with typical materials. But when I designed activities around country singers, they lit up. Suddenly, they were showing skills I didn’t even know they had. That’s the magic of presuming competence.
Hayley: Exactly. I do autism and ADHD assessments, including IQ and academic testing, and I always remind parents—yes, these are standardized tests, but there’s a huge social and interest component. Most of it isn’t engaging or fun, so it may not reflect everything a child knows.
I can’t tailor standardized tests to each child’s interests, but I’ve seen how brilliant kids are when they talk about things like Lamborghinis or air conditioning units. When we tap into those deep interests, their abilities really shine—it’s a beautiful thing.
Handling Transitions
Tara: I think the same idea applies when we talk about transitions. Transitions are often one of the hardest parts of the day for autistic kids—whether it’s a big shift like going from home to school, or something small like moving from group time to snack.
It’s not always about disliking the next activity—it’s about shifting gears, which is tough for young kids in general, and even more so for neurodivergent kids. As a clinical psychologist, I’d love to hear your take on why transitions are so challenging and what proactive strategies can help reduce that stress.
Hayley: Yes—so much of this ties back to executive functioning, which is still developing in young kids. One big piece of that is task shifting. For neurodivergent kids—like those with ADHD or autism—transitions can feel especially overwhelming. Visual supports are huge. I’ve worked with teens who struggle with executive functioning. One mom put a laminated shower routine in the bathroom. She didn’t think he’d use it—until she saw him peeking out to check the steps. Visuals help all brains, not just little ones.
The Role of Visuals in Avoiding Power Struggles
So when transitions are tough, I try to reduce uncertainty. I use visuals, structure, and simple strategies like ‘First this, then that.' It feels good for kids—and honestly, even for us as adults—to know what’s coming and feel a little more in control.
Tara: Exactly—and it’s not about ‘do the hard thing, then you get the reward,' but more about using a simple, beginning-level visual schedule. For young kids, a long schedule can be overwhelming or confusing.
That’s why we keep coming back to this idea: be a detective, not reactive. It’s rarely just a power struggle. There’s often something deeper—whether it’s confusion about a visual, a misunderstanding of time, or something else entirely—that, once discovered, can make everything easier.
Hayley: Totally. Just the other day, my almost two-year-old was excited to go outside—put her shoes on, ready to go. I thought, This is a breeze! But then she made a beeline for the swing, and I had to say, We're not going to the swing—we're getting in the car. Cue meltdown.
That’s where simple visual support like ‘First shoes, then car' can make all the difference. And like you said, it’s not about first hard thing, then reward—it’s about helping them understand what’s happening next.
Transition Objects
I used to do things like an ‘all done' bucket, or have a child carry something—a photo, a toy shovel—so they could connect what’s now with what’s next. Those small tools can bring a lot of clarity and comfort.
Tara: Yes—transition objects are such a great tool. It could be a piece of what’s coming next, or even a favorite character that helps shift focus and ease the transition.
You also touched on something important: people often say, ‘Well, they know the routine.' And yes, they might—but that doesn’t mean transitions will be smooth. Knowing what’s next doesn’t always prevent a breakdown, especially for young kids.
That’s where visuals and first-then strategies are so helpful. For 3- and 4-year-olds, that’s the perfect starting point for building a visual schedule.
Predictable routines help build that sense of automaticity, which makes transitions smoother. An All Done Bucket is great for this—it creates a clear, consistent way to end an activity, which frees kids up to move more easily into what’s next.
Simple Tools That Go a Long Way
Hayley: A lot of parents I work with feel overwhelmed by the idea of making all these visuals and systems. You don’t need fancy visuals. A Post-it note works. Or a song. The key is consistency and simplicity. If making and laminating things stresses you out, don’t. Just find what you can do.
Tara: I love that. We called those hand-drawn pictures “on-the-fly visuals.” That’s when you ask the secretary for a piece of paper and pen and draw the world’s worst-looking bus—it basically looks like a roller skate—but it works.
Check In With Yourself Too
Hayley: Breaking tasks down and taking a step back can be so powerful. And we haven’t said this yet, but it’s important: check in with yourself, too. Ask, Do I have the capacity to take on this battle right now? Sometimes, the best move is saying, You know what? We’re skipping the bath tonight. That’s not giving up—that’s honoring your limits and protecting your relationship.
Tara: That’s such a good point—because both parents and educators can relate to the pressure to get it all right, especially when you’re supporting a child with additional needs. There’s this feeling that you have to be perfect all the time. But it’s okay to say, My cup is full today, and he’s getting extra iPad time tonight. That doesn’t make you a bad parent—it makes you human.
And teachers feel this too. Sometimes they don’t want to engage in a power struggle, but worry they’ll be judged for backing off. Maybe there’s someone nearby thinking, He’s acting like this because his parents let him run the show. That fear of judgment can be heavy.
So let this be your permission—from both of us—to take that weight off your shoulders. You’re allowed to choose peace over perfection. You’re allowed to set boundaries around your own energy. And that, too, is supporting the child in front of you.
Hayley: Oh my gosh, yes—this is what I do for a living, helping parents navigate these challenges. And still, I’m not immune. My daughter has meltdowns. We have tough days. Sure, maybe I get to a solution a little faster because of what I know—but no one escapes the hard parts of raising kids.
And when you’re overwhelmed, it’s okay to lean into survival mode. If that means mac and cheese three nights in a row or eating in front of the TV—do it. If that buys you a calmer evening and helps you respond with more patience tomorrow, that is the real win.
Let’s take the guilt off the table. Giving yourself compassion and breathing room is what allows you to show up for your child’s big feelings without turning it into a battle. That’s not giving up—that’s parenting with grace.
Tara: I love that—we give you permission.
When the Day Is Done: After-School Restraint Collapse
Tara: Let’s talk about after-school restraint collapse. It’s real—and so many parents see their child fall apart the second they walk in the door.
Hayley: They’ve held it together all day. Their brains are tired. For neurodivergent kids, school is exhausting. When they get home, they finally feel safe enough to let go.
Some need movement. Some need screens. Others need quiet. It’s okay to honor that. A meltdown after school doesn’t mean they had a bad day—it means they gave it everything they had.
Tara: One parent told me her son paces and flaps after school until he’s sweating. We talked about using visuals to support that regulation—like a five-star countdown. Not as a reward—but as a way to show time passing.
Hayley: Yes! Time blindness is real. Many neurodivergent kids can’t feel time passing. Tools like visual countdowns don’t just help in the moment—they teach executive functioning for life.
Final Takeaways
Tara: If there’s one message I hope people take away, it’s that power struggles aren’t about obedience—they’re about understanding. When we pause, stay curious, and look for the why, we can respond with connection.
Hayley: Yes—and remember: talk less, observe more. Reduce demands. Meet your child with compassion. And give yourself that same grace. You’re not failing—you’re showing up. And that means everything.
Tara: Thank you so much, Hayley. This was such a rich and practical conversation.
Hailey: Thank you, Tara!
Listen to the Podcast Episode #122
Autism and Behavior: A Compassionate Approach to Stress Responses
If you use visual supports in your classroom or home, you are going to want to sign up for this free Visual Supports Starter Set ASAP! Click here to have one sent to your inbox. Also, be sure to read more about visual supports and how they can help autistic children here.
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