Back-to-school season comes with a lot of pressure to get started. There are routines to teach, IEP goals to work toward, visual schedules to introduce, and classroom expectations to establish. At the same time, you may be standing in a classroom with children you barely know yet.
Last week, we talked about three things that need to be in place before we really start thinking about teaching: regulation, connection, and predictable routines. This week, I want to spend a little more time on connection because relationships aren't something we build before the learning begins. They are part of how learning happens.
For an autistic child entering a new classroom, there is so much to figure out. The environment is unfamiliar, the routines are different, and there are new adults and children everywhere. Before worrying about whether a child participates in circle time, follows classroom directions, or engages with an activity the way we expect, we need to give them time to learn who we are and whether they feel safe with us.
Here are five simple ways you can begin building that connection.
1. Observe Before You Direct
One of the best things you can do during those first few weeks is simply watch. As teachers and therapists, that can be harder than it sounds because we're trained to look for opportunities to teach. We see a child playing with a toy and immediately think about all the language, social, academic, or IEP goals we could work into that moment.
Before jumping in, give yourself permission to notice what's already happening. Pay attention to what the child chooses when nobody directs their play. Notice what makes them smile, which activities they return to, and where they seem most comfortable in the classroom. You might discover that they seek movement, prefer quieter spaces, love letters, watch wheels spin, enjoy water play, or return to the same song over and over again.
Observation gives us information that we can easily miss when we're focused on getting a child to show us what they know. Instead of beginning with an agenda, we're beginning with curiosity.
2. Take Some of the Pressure Out of Play
Once we join a child, it's easy for teacher mode to sneak right back in. Suddenly, a simple moment with a toy becomes a stream of questions: “What color is that?” “What does the cow say?” “Where does this go?” “Can you say car?”
Even when those questions come from a good place, too many can quickly turn play into a test. Try replacing some of them with comments instead. If a child is pushing a car, you might say, “That car is fast!” If they're stacking blocks, you could comment on how tall the tower is. When something crashes to the floor, a playful “CRASH!” may invite more connection than another question.
You can also imitate what the child is already doing. Roll a car nearby, build your own block tower, or watch something spin alongside them. Joining doesn't require you to take over the play or immediately expand it. Sometimes connection begins because a child realizes that you're interested in what they're interested in.
3. Follow the Child's Interests
A child's interests can give us a natural doorway into connection, especially when we're willing to broaden our ideas about what an interest “should” look like. Dinosaurs and farm animals might capture one child's attention, while another child may love letters, ceiling fans, opening and closing doors, a particular song, pouring water, or watching the wheels on a truck spin.
[Grab the Child Interest Survey Here]
Rather than asking how you can get a child interested in what you're doing, consider how you can become interested in what they're already doing. That small shift changes the starting point of the interaction.
Deep interests can bring joy, predictability, comfort, and regulation. They can also tell us a lot about how a child learns and what captures their attention. When we honor those interests instead of immediately redirecting them, we're communicating that what matters to the child matters to us too.
4. Honor Autistic Play
Building positive connections with autistic students also means recognizing that play doesn't have to look a certain way to be meaningful. An autistic child may line up animals instead of making them talk, repeatedly fill and dump a container, spin the wheels of a car rather than drive it across the floor, or return to the same play sequence again and again.
Our first response doesn't need to be changing that play so it looks more “functional” or typical. Spend time noticing what the child enjoys and look for ways to join without disrupting it. You might create your own line of animals nearby, fill and dump another container, or find a second object that spins.
As trust develops, natural opportunities may emerge to gently expand the play. That expansion works best when it grows from the child's existing interests rather than replacing them. By honoring how a child already plays, we show that connection with us doesn't require them to give up something they enjoy.
5. Let Regulation Be Part of the Relationship
Connection and regulation are closely tied together. Think about what a child learns about you when you notice that the room is becoming too loud, respect their need for space, bring their headphones when they cover their ears, or sit quietly nearby when they're overwhelmed.
In those moments, the child learns that you're paying attention. They begin to experience you as an adult who notices their communication and responds to what their body needs. That matters far more than whether you completed the activity you originally planned.
Co-regulation can become an important part of building relationships with young autistic children. Sometimes the most meaningful interaction of the day won't involve teaching a new skill at all. It will happen when you remain nearby, reduce the pressure, and help a child feel safe during a difficult moment.
Connection Is Part of Teaching
When you're looking at lesson plans, IEP goals, classroom routines, and everything you're supposed to accomplish this year, relationship-building can easily feel like one more thing you need to squeeze into the schedule. In reality, the time you spend connecting with a child supports everything else you're trying to do.
Knowing what a child loves gives you a doorway into engagement. Understanding how they communicate helps you respond more meaningfully, while recognizing sensory and regulation needs allows you to make learning more accessible. When children discover that the adults around them notice their communication and respect their boundaries, interactions become safer too.
We don't build relationships with autistic children so they'll become more compliant. We build them because every child deserves to feel known, respected, and safe with the adults supporting them.
Listen to This Week's Back to School Foundations Episode
For Week 2 of our Back to School Foundations series on how to build positive connections with autistic students, we're going all the way back to 5 Ways to Foster a Positive Connection With Your Autistic Students. It's one of the earliest episodes of the Autism Little Learners Podcast, so many of you may not have heard this one before.
It felt like the perfect episode for this point in the school year because so many teachers are still getting to know the children who have walked through their classroom doors. You don't need to know everything about them yet. Stay curious, watch closely, follow their interests, and give the relationship time to grow.
Next week, we'll continue building that foundation by talking about supporting regulation in the classroom. Connection and regulation influence each other throughout the day, and understanding that relationship can completely change the way we respond when a child is struggling.
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